I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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