i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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