I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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