I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
