I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
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she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
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Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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