Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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