If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
