My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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