it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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