We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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