I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
