I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
babies were throwing up all over the place
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
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Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
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I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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