ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
