I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Randomize
