Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
