Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
