Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
