FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
