There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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