I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
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We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
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Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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