That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
