we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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