At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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