The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
