and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
