nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
they need to just BURY HIM!
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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