your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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