You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
