I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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