and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
