I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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