The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
