you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
