There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
