i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
