hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
