Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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