Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Randomize
