There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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