I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
