Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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