My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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