theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
