Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
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