Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
