Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
