Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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