you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
