it's too hot outside to masturbate.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
high people should be assigned attendants
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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