I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
