I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
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