Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
