My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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