I love black thongs
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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