ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
